Top 10 Cooking Tips!

Sorry we've been slacking on the blog lately - too busy eating/sitting. We thought we'd share some cooking tips with you, obese stylee.

1. When you open a new packet of food, you might as well eat the whole lot, e.g. 12 pack of yorkshire puddings.

2. When you're drunk, frequently eating is adament. Do not include fruit or vegetables in drunk snacks.

3. Same goes for days when you're feeling hungover, ill or mentally fragile.

4. If the food on your plate is mainly beige and gold (pastry, chips, fried goods, batter, bread etc), you have succeeded in obesifying your meal.

5. If your meal takes more than 20 minutes to cook, feel free to snack until it's time.

6. Same goes for waiting for your takeaway to arrive.

7. Most diet and health experts advise eating little and frequently. We advise eating loads, frequently.

8. If more than two portions of vegetables make an appearence in your dinner, you are allowed a beige/golden second dinner later on. This is allowed even if you didn't consume the vegetables. The fact that they were on your plate was probably traumatic enough.

9. If you're worried your meal doesn't look big enough in the frying pan/saucepan/baking tray etc, add more. Better safe than sorry and hungry.

10. If the packet says it contains two servings, it actually means one. Double all your ingredients for an Emma and Georgina sized meal.

x

Blue Whales - quote of the day

Emma and I were discussing what we'd be if we were animals, and I did at first think that a couple of hippos chilling out in a tranquil lake would be a good description, but then I thought, no! Blue whales! The biggest mammals on earth.

Fernand on Cereal (guest post).

OMG. It's probably unheard of for cereals to have MSG or whatever, but ever since my brother went to America for a school trip and brought back some Lucky Charms, I've had some ridunkulously stupid cravings for it.

All it took was the remains of one box (just about one decent servings full) and I boxed that niiiicely. Little did I know that this little bowl of humble toasted oat shapes and sweet sweet melt-on-your-tongue rainbow shapes of marshmallow would cause havoc on my appetite.

Later that evening I was craving something sweet - not too sweet, or fattening as I'm trying to eat healthily you see. Then it hit me: LUCKY CHARMS. Now this is odd as most cravings never end up on something so specific… but argh! Was my tongue and mind screaming for something slightly crunchy and ice cold.

However! I did not fall to the alluring and strong pull of the ever reserved yet happy looking breakfast box. Oh no. I held strong and fired up some dance music to distract the rhythmic growling of my stomach.

The next morning boy was I happy to wake up! Sh*t, shower and a shave later I settled down to a bowl of *sings* Lucky Charrrrrms! But disaster struck. Nooo!!!
There was only a small amount of milk left in the bottle! Shock. Horror. Nevertheless, and with a stroke of luck (Im sure those Charms were paying me back for doing it such justice) I had just enough for a relatively large serving. Yum. My morning was sorted.

But the addiction was tightening its hold. Just had Sunday Roast about an hour ago and the combination of my fast metabolism and this muscle bound Lucky Charm craving whispered into my ear… "I think its time for another bowl now, sonny."

Damn! Must. Resist. Sweet and cool crunch… no! Must resist! But I remembered milk was bought just earlier today - get innnnn my son! - and so the strong walls tumbled, and I stumbled (well more walked really quickly to the kitchen) and hastily began the decanting process of those gorgeous pieces of treasure doused in ice. cold. milk. Aaaaaaaah.

Done and dusted now, and I'm feeling lurrrrrrrvely. Just give it a few hours and I guarantee I'll be in a sugar craved chokehold by this Lucky fella…

Fernand x
http://www.facebook.com/fernando.without.the.o

Quote of the day

I made a lasagne today. It should have fed a family of four... it fed a family of one - me.

Emma x

10 Top Tips To Obesify

Hello!

We've not posted for a few days, thanks to a very busy weekend - one of our friends, Hayley, came to visit us at university. Hayley is very skinny - she's recently been on a diet and lost loads of weight. This got us thinking - most people want to lose weight (us included but we're lazy and like crisps/chips/burgers/pizzas/bread/chocolate/sweets too much), and there are probably numerous websites with 'top tips to lose weight'. We thought, why not write a list of top tips to obesify?! So here they are:

1. Always finish everything on your plate. This means everything. Even condiments.
2. Eat whenever you're bored.
3. If it gets to 1:00am and you still haven't gone to bed, have a second dinner.
4. Dessert is mandatory after every meal - even breakfast.
5. Obesity is a mobility difficulty (not being able to fit through gaps, etc), so don't feel bad about getting the lift/escalator, even if it's just up one floor.
6. If you get a Diet Coke (opposed to full fat) in McDonald's with your meal, you're allowed to make it a large, and get a McFlurry too!
7. If you're bored and want to eat but you still feel full, make yourself sick or force out a poo.
8. Food consumed when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol doesn't count in your daily calorie intake.
9. This also counts for days when you feel hungover, ill or mentally fragile.
10. This also counts for food consumed between the hours of 1:00am and 7:00am, and on weekends.

Happy obesifying!

Georgina and Emma x

Dinner

It's 5:30pm and I'm thinking about dinner. I started to go through my options of what I could have:

- soup and toast
- pasta
- chips and chicken nuggets
- egg sandwich
- takeaway
(or all.)

I realised, a few minutes into my 57th food related thought process of the day, that I wasn't hungry. I had leftover lasagne and garlic bread from yesterday at lunchtime. And ice cream for dessert (only a true fatty has ice cream for dessert at lunchtime). I basically had dinner already today, so technically I should be having lunch tonight. What is a normal lunch? A ham sandwich and crisps? Or a salad..? Maybe a small bowl of soup with no croutons/bread/rolls?! I couldn't do that to myself. If I'm not getting drunk on a night out, night time is for eating and telly. I fully intend to eat another full dinner (and dessert) tonight. I'll let you know what I choose.

Georgina x

p.s. I had super noodles, then sweet potato wedges. Then some doritos. Oh and chocolate.

Guest Quote Of The Day!

Quote of the day by Royston Jenkins:

"I just feel so content when I'm eating cake."

(while eating a box of 6 Mr Kipling angel slices).

Georgina x